Dear men,
Many of you out there think the #MeToo movement is a farce. You say to yourselves, “Why are women coming out and accusing men of sexual abuses years … even decades … after the incident? How can we give credence to such allegations?” Well, forgetting the fact that women have long been afraid to come forth about the abuses perpetrated upon them, fearful of the shaming and blaming they almost inevitably face when they have come forward (You know … the whole, “Well what was she wearing?”, “Wasn’t she sexually active with others at the time?” kind of nonsense), and failing to respect the courage rising in women today to do so, let’s not look at the past. Let’s look to the future.
Rape culture is real, and it’s not a women’s issue. If it was a women’s issue, it would have been dealt with literally centuries ago. This is a men’s issue. The only reason rape culture exists is because men perpetuate it, and the only way for it to end, for our wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends to be safe in this world, is for men to make this a reality. It’s on us muchachos.
There are men out there who are so threatened by women that there’s virtually no way to retrieve them from their convulsing fear. There are men out there, who for whatever reason, truly hate women, and I’m not enough of an expert in psychology to even approach ways to turn that around. There are also men like you and me, men who neither fear nor hate women, but who fail to act in their defense when the time comes to do so. There are men like you and me who prejudge the circumstances of women by examining their struggles through the lenses of our own limited and privileged experiences. That isn’t working at all. When thousands of women tell us something, and we pass it off as something trivial, we become part of the problem.
According to RAINN (the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), a sexual assault in America occurs every 98 seconds. 1 out of every 6 women has been the victim of an attempted or successful rape. That’s 16% of women, and that statistic comes from those women courageous enough to be open about it. Of the 311 million women in the U.S., that’s an unacceptable 4.9 million women. Again, these are our mothers, our wives, our sisters, our daughters, and our friends. For men like us, the ones who neither hate nor fear women, we are called to no longer sit stupidly on the sidelines. We are called to step up.
How can we do this? It’s not even hard. Try starting with these four very simple things.
1. Listen to women.
Step out of your ego. Listen to understand. When women speak of abuse, we must treat the allegations as truthful and not dismiss them outright, as so often happens, especially when they come years after the incident.All allegations must be objectively investigated, not ignored. We must also let women define what consent is and act accordingly.
2. Men must teach men.
Wouldn’t it be nice to know that even a woman walking naked down a street could know that no one will rape her? The myth men perpetuate is that women who dress or behave provocatively are inviting rape, and it is the sickest, most ridiculous lie of them all. We must teach men that rape is wrong, under any and all circumstances, regardless of what a woman wears, our perceptions about her sexual attitudes, or she’s unconscious. Rape is simply wrong. We must teach men to respect when a woman says no, even when she changes her mind in the moments leading up to sex. Once there is a “no”, that’s it. Sexuality stops. We must teach men to value the humanity of women and not view them as objects, as if real life was some porno movie, and women existed simply to act as receptacles for our craven lusts. Even the cat calls, the innuendos, the “Hey baby”, has to stop. Men incessantly harassing women for naked pictures must stop. Men (and I can’t believe we actually do this) sending unsolicited naked picture of our penises to women must stop. Men who shame women who enjoy sex should stop. Men who shame women who won’t have sex with them should stop. Shaming women for their weight, for their mode of dress, for unshaven legs or armpits should stop. Really, women shouldn’t be shamed. Ever. This can all stop if we teach this to our boys.
3. Overcome your fear of voting for women.
Women deserve the same rights as men, but in Congress, they clearly don’t have an equal seat at the table. There are 535 members of Congress, and only 20% are women. When laws about a woman’s body, sexual assault & abuses are discussed, they are not adequately represented, and so nothing changes for them. Our nation will be better in scores of ways when we balance the male to female ratio out. Right now, there are positive signs. More women are being nominated to Congress than ever before, but we need to help them. Face your fears about women in leadership. You’ll find there’s nothing to fear.
4. Develop a healthy sense of masculinity.
There’s faux masculinity, and there’s real masculinity. Resist the argument that “boys will be boys”. Rape is not natural, and a man’s urges are not biologically uncontrollable. Self-mastery is masculine. Learn it, and teach it. Sexual aggression is not manly, it’s bestial. We are not animals. If we feel the urge to step into a male stereotype, let’s step into our roles as protectors and protect the rights and dignities of women.
For literal millennia women have been, at best, disenfranchised, and at worst, abused. It has been an accepted social construct in our societies since time immemorial, and up until now, too many women have been cowed into submission and forced to accept this foolishness as the status quo. Well, it may have been once, but it isn’t now. A people can only stay down for so long, and now women are demanding to be heard, demanding to be treated fairly, and demanding their rightful seat at society’s table. They need us as allies, Gentlemen. Let’s be exactly that.
Yours truly,
Michael Dolce
A Man Like Yourself